Taking Their Place
by MaryBeth Church
Summary: This is a collection of 'what if' stories, mostly including what I would do if I was in the place of a victim or UnSub. Read more to find out what a retard like me would do if kidnapped or hacked to death.
1. Extreme Crossdresser

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

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_If 'Criminal Minds' was real... and if I was a victim..._

**_Season One Episode One: Extreme Aggressor _**

**Summary: **After three Seattle women turn up dead (strangled) and a forth one goes missing, SSA Gideon returns to the BAU team after six months of leave. One of the unsubs lurers the women in by pretending to sell a car online and taking them for a test drive- he then locks the cars doors and drives them off to his secret hiding spot.

**If I Was Heather Woodland (fourth woman to go missing)**

**_Part One:  
><em>**The unsub and I are in his car and he's 'driving me back to my workplace'  
><span>Me: <span>Okay, so you turn here...  
><span>Unsub: <span>*Keeps driving- doesn't say anything*  
><span>Me: <span>Okay... you missed it, but okay, you can take the roundabout up here...  
><span>Unsub: <span>*Driving*  
><span>Me: <span>*Muttering to myself* Shit I'm going to die. *Out loud* Okay stop the car (might as well give it a shot...)  
><span>Unsub: <span>*Locks doors*  
><span>Me: <span>*To myself* Oh wait... I'm wearing boots and the window is made out of breakable glass... *Out loud* KARATE! *Kicks out window, swiftly takes off seat belt and jumps out window* YEAH! *Gets hit by car in other lane*

**_Part Two:  
><em>**The unsub somehow has captured me again and has me caught in a cage in his undisclosed location  
><span>Unsub: <span>The FBI is on to me... I have to kill you now.  
><span>Me: <span>Well I've already been hit by a car...  
><span>Unsub: <span>SHUT UP! *Opens cage*  
><span>Me: <span>KARATE!  
><span>Unsub: <span>Again with the 'karate'? I thought you realised it doesn't work. You got hit by a car...  
><span>Me: <span>*Face punch* *Runs away*  
><span>Unsub: <span>I'm going to kill you!  
><span>Me: <span>I can't see! *Runs into pole*  
><span>Unsub: <span>*Football dive* *Shoots me in face*  
><span>Me: <span>Aw...

**_Part Three:  
><em>**Apparently my skull is so thick I am invincible from head shots... so now Gideon and Elle have the unsub cornered and he has the gun to my head... AGAIN.  
><span>Unsub: <span>Do you think I'm stupid?  
><span>Gideon: <span>I think you're an absolute moron- wait. Why is there a bullet wound in her forehead?  
><span>Me: <span>I know right! Extremely unattractive...  
><span>Gideon: <span>I mean... is that a bullet wound...  
><span>Me: <span>Yeah...  
><span>Gideon: <span>So the gun has no effect on you?  
><span>Me: <span>Apparently not.  
><span>Gideon: <span>Then just walk away...  
><span>Me: <span>Oh right... *walks away*  
><span>FBI: <span>*makes arrest*  
><span>Elle: <span>Well that was easy...

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**Reviews muchly appreciated... but in the words of Tara Gillespie 'don't flame me'. **


	2. Copy and Pastion

**_Season One Episode Two: Compulsion_**

**Summary: **A girl in college (unsub) starts fires at her university every time someone has a pattern of three threes in their life. It is discovered that it is because when she was little she was saved from a fire and her mother said it was an act from god and that her 'daughter was tested by god and she came through' and now she believes it is her job to test anyone else that has three threes show in their life- she has OCD about the three. Confused? Yah.

**If I Was The College Student That was The First Victim **

**_Part One  
><em>**I and my friend (who is filming) enter a room and I am covered with gasoline and lit on fire  
><span>Me: <span>Oh shit! I'm on fire!  
><span>Friend: <span>Stop, drop and roll, man. STOP, DROP AND ROOOOLLLLLLL!  
><span>Me: <span>*Stops on the spot* Are you stoned?  
><span>Friend: <span>Of course not... not yet... Just let me light my weed on your burning arm...  
><span>Me: <span>Oh right... I'm burning! Stop, drop and roll! *Drops and rolls*  
><span>Friend: <span>Should I call someone?  
><span>Me: <span>*Still rolling and on fire* Nah man, I'm fine (Sarcastic tone).  
><span>Friend: <span>Oh okay... well, I'm going to go get a bite to eat; see you tomorrow. *Leaves*  
><span>Me: <span>Man I've never been this scared for my life then the time I got kidnapped by that guy a week ago. You'd think I'd learn.

**_Part Two  
><em>**In the hospital after someone had the decency to call a medic  
><span>Elle: <span>And you're sure you didn't see anyone suspicious... maybe a shadow under the door?  
><span>Me: <span>I WAS ON FIRE! I was kind of more concerned about you know... my life... than shadows.  
><span>Friend: <span>*Walks in*  
><span>Me: <span>Oh hey, ass-bucket.  
><span>Friend: <span>Whoa, whoa. How'd I deserve that?  
><span>Me: <span>YOU LEFT ME TO DIE!  
><span>Friend: <span>You told me to...  
><span>Me: <span>YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD! I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!  
><span>Friend: <span>Well looks like you're fiery on the inside and out...  
><span>Derek: <span>Well... I think she's too agitated to be interviewed right now... come on Elle, let's go.  
><span>Derek and Elle: <span>*Walks out*  
><span>Me: <span>BRING REID WITH YOU NEXT TIME! HE'S CUTE!  
><span>Friend: <span>OMG! He's like twice your age...  
><span>Me: <span>Shut the fuck up. When I dream, he's younger.  
><span>Friend: <span>Creeper...

**If I Was Stuck In the Elevator When the Unsub Stops the Elevator and Sprays Gasoline Over the Three of Us**

Random Elevator Dude (Red): *Pries the door open as far as it will go*  
><span>Unsub: <span>Hi.  
><span>Red: <span>Oh, Clara, thank god. Go get some help.  
><span>Unsub: <span>It's okay, I'm here to help. *Leaves*  
><span>Red: <span>Did she go get help?  
><span>Goth: <span>We're going to die.  
><span>Me: <span>Shut the hell up, I've already supposedly died three times in this past month. I got hit by a car, shot in the head, lit on fire; it's fine!  
><span>Goth: <span>No one cares.  
><span>Me: <span>You wanna go! Okay it's on, come at me bro!  
><span>Unsub: <span>*Starts spraying gasoline on us*  
><span>Goth: <span>Oh my god! Oh my god! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!  
><span>Red: <span>Clara what the hell! Stop it! Stop it!  
><span>Me: <span>*Sighs* See this is how we do it in Nebraska!  
><span>Red: <span>But you're from Australia...  
><span>Me: <span>*Pulls Clara down into elevator with us* Not so much of a fire bug now are you? Yeah that's right!  
><span>Unsub: <span>Aw... you ruined it! You were on level three on the third day of the week and there were three of you in here... Now there are four. FML.  
><span>Hotch: <span>Are you four okay?  
><span>Me: <span>We're just dandy. Hey where's Reid? My ankle hurts and I need someone to carry me back to the dorms...  
><span>Goth: <span>Creeper...


	3. Won't Get Fooled Again Oh Wait

_**Season One Episode Three: Won't Get Fooled Again. **_

**Summary: **Three bombs are set of in the same residential area, but when Morgan puts the fragments of the bomb back together, it reveals that the maker of the bomb may be someone they've encountered before; someone in jail. It then becomes apparent that the master bomb maker is sending emails from jail to the pretender. In the end Gideon brings the master bomb maker in to help defuse a bomb that is strapped to a man's neck.

**If I was The First Victim **

I was fighting with some guy I'm supposed to have a meeting with and am now about to get in my car with a package.  
><span>Me: <span>*Opens car door and grabs package to put inside car*  
><em><span><strong>BOOM<br>**_Me: Aww... it was a bomb? I thought it was my Inflatable Ingrid doll! I mean... ow my leg...

**If I Was the Dude with the Bomb Strapped To Me**

Me:  Hi everyone, I'm back...  
><span>Cop: <span>Don't take one more step or I'll shoot.  
><span>Me: <span>No but this guy just strapped a bomb to me and said he wanted like a heap of money and a chopper or he'll blow me up.  
><span>Elle: <span>*Sighs* Let him blow you up; you never die anyway...  
><span>Me: <span>True...  
><span>Gideon: <span>No. Her body won't be able to take the force of the explosion.  
><span>Me: <span>*Giggles* I won't be able to take the force...  
><span>Cop: <span>Someone go get one of them bomb proof barriers around her and a SWAT team.  
><em><span><strong>BOOM<br>**_Elle: What the hell! We got bugger all time to get him his money and helicopter!  
><span>Me: <span>Um... yeah I kind of stopped and got lunch before I walked in here. You originally had two hours... Sorry.

**Okay guys (how many people read my shitty writing anyway?) first of all I'm sorry this chapter is pretty stupid, but I have no inspiration for bombs. **

**Also, I'm getting bored of dying all the time, so if anyone wants to be a character in the next few chapters, review with your name and you characteristics (are you happy, bitchy etc). **

**I'm also going to work out a system where I update one chapter each time I get a review, so by the end of series one I'll have at least 22 reviews. **

**Ciao for now.**


	4. Brittany The Step Aerobics Freak

**This chapter is dedicated to all the readers that have put up with my shit and held on through my writer's block. But also, it is especially dedicated to SSAFunbar, aka, Brittany. I hope you enjoy dying... (PS please don't take it as offensive if you... you know... die and get raped...)**

**_Season One Episode Four: Plain Sight_**

**Summary: **A serial rapist/ serial killer has a taste for middle class women in San Diego. Not only does he write a poem on their mirror, he glues their eyes open. In the end Gideon saves the day by convincing him that he will be famous if he lets his last victim go. Obviously he does let her go because all serial killers want to be famous.

**Brittany The Step Aerobics Freak**

**_Part One_****_  
><em>**TV: Step up! One, two, three, four!  
><span>Brittany: <span>Step up! *Steps up* one, two, three, four, FIVE! SEE, BEAT YOU BY ONE STEP, BITCH!  
><span>Tv: <span>You're doing great, keep going!  
><span>Brittany: <span>Damn straight! I can go all night! *Steps down, steps up, steps down* *Stops* I feel a presence... a spiritual presence...  
><span>Unsub: <span>(Whispers) Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! She can sense me... *Hides in closet*  
><span>Brittany: <span>Hello? Is anyone there? *Searches around the room* Wait, murderers don't answer to hello... *Idea* Marco!  
><span>Unsub: <span>Polo! Shit, I'm an idiot.  
><span>Brittany: <span>Eep! A ghost!  
><span>Unsub: <span>Uh... yeah... a ghost! Whoo... Lay down on the bed... Whoo...  
><span>Brittany: <span>(Whispers) Oh shit! I can't talk to people- oh God, if I can't talk to people... How the HELL am I supposed to talk to a ghost... Oh my God! *Hyperventilating* What am I going to do!  
><span>Unsub: <span>Are you on the bed yet?  
><span>Brittany: <span>*Hyperventilating*  
><span>Unsub: <span>Helloooo?  
><span>Brittany: <span>*Idea* *Looks to window* (Whisper) Fuck this shit... *Tip-toes to window* *Un-locks window* Uh... Uh... Uh... Yeah... I... I'm on the bed... *Opens window*  
><span>Unsub: <span>Great, now take your clothes off...  
><span>Brittany: <span>Wow... you're a creepy ghost! Were you here when I took a shower this morning? *Climbs out window*  
><span>Unsub: <span>Yes... I haunt your house... no duh. Now, are you undressed?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Of course, because I'm totally stupid enough to listen to a voice in my closet... *Jumps out window* Ow! Damn it! Why did I buy a two story house! *Runs away, limping* Ghost busters!

**_Part Two_****_  
><em>**Brittany: So when I heard that there was a rapist out there... I wanted to come in because you know... I didn't really believe there was a ghost in my house *Shifty eyes*  
><span>Elle: <span>Uh huh... well... so did you see the man/ ghost in your closet?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Obviously not, otherwise I would have been sure he wasn't a ghost. Duh!  
><span>Elle: <span>Okay, I can't handle this! Reid! Talk to the crazy chick!  
><span>Brittany: <span>I'm not crazy! I just had a spiritual sense I was not alone! And the first reason why that came to my was that there was a ghost in my house! Okay! God, that bitch is PMSing...  
><span>Reid: <span>You scare me.  
><span>Brittany:<span> Excuse me?  
><span>Reid: <span>No, not you, her. *points behind Brittany* She's been following me everywhere ever since she got kidnapped and shot in the head last month...  
><span>Me: <span>Why won't you just love me?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Right... and your partner calls me crazy...  
><span>Reid: <span>*Shrugs* If we could get back to the... uh... closet man... So what did his voice sound like?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Uh... it was calm and relaxed, but it still scared me.  
><span>Reid: <span>And why did it scare you?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Uh maybe because he was in my house? Maybe?  
><span>Reid: <span>Yes, but I mean, was it his accent that scared you? Did he threaten you?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Why would an accent scare me?  
><span>Reid: <span>I don't know, look just tell me what he sounded like. Okay?  
><span>Brittany: <span>The Swedish chef scares me sometimes...  
><span>Reid: <span>Ah huh... but anyway, your attacker?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Right, right... well I'm pretty sure he was American... he was male... and I don't know, he sounded old. Like not really old, but he wasn't a teenager. Maybe in the twenties or thirties.  
><span>Reid: <span>Okay, thank you, that's good.  
><span>Brittany: <span>Oh, I am good. I'm real good...

**_Part Three_**_  
><em>Unsub: You got away from me once! You will not escape me again! I. AM. DEATH.  
><span>Brittany: <span>No, you are Patrick.  
><span>Unsub: <span>What?  
><span>Brittany: <span>Death would be smarter... you're an idiot...  
><span>Unsub: <span>Okay, that's it! I try to bring style back into murder, but what do I get? I get a stupid, unappreciative girl that's not even scared of anything!  
><span>Brittany: <span>Chocolate milk...  
><span>Unsub: <span>What?  
><span>Brittany: <span>I'm scared of chocolate milk. Once I was at KFC on a date and my date said he could drink two litres of it in a minute. He could, but then he threw up and it came out his nose and went all over me.  
><span>Unsub: <span>You went to KFC on a date? Girl, I give you better class than that, and Imma rape you...  
><span>Brittany: <span>*Shrugs* They didn't even sell chocolate milk there... I didn't know where he got it...  
><span>Unsub: <span>Right... well you're distracting me now so just lay down...  
><span>Gideon: <span>No Brittany, don't lay down *Enters room*  
><span>Brittany: <span>Okay, now I'm confused! Who am I supposed to listen to?  
><span>Unsub: <span>Me!  
><span>Gideon: <span>Me!  
><span>Unsub: <span>Back off dude, she's mine!  
><span>Gideon: <span>Don't you hurt her!  
><span>Brittany: <span>Wow, two guys fighting over me... I feel like Bella Swan...  
><span>Unsub: <span>OMG! You read that book! Isn't it like the best think you've ever like seen?  
><span>Gideon: <span>Oh God! A Twihard! *Head shot* Boom, head shot biatch. That's from us Potheads!

**So, my Criminals, which team are you? Pothead or Twihard? Nah, nah, jokes. But... keep R&Ring for more stupidity and more you in it! Whoo! And because I'm adding you in one by one and by when you reviewed, next up will be 'I Still Like It' aka Bay... congratulations. **

**So, thank you to all my reviewers and hopefully you will be dying in place of me soon! I seriously freaking love you all! **


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